Self-Hating

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The Monster At Large

21:17 Today was good as we had some of our German counterparts over (Robert and Andreas) and I even spoke a little German as well. They were both very friendly people and obviously enjoyed working with us as well.  Read the rest of this entry »

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I’m working from home ~ or in other words at this point in time when things are calm I’m at home watching DVDs. I’ve rented out Cursed and Sahara. I also bought more ink for my fountain pen and this new pen I’m writing with, which seems to write very well. Read the rest of this entry »

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This weekend I have felt the lowest emotionally in a long time. I feel so empty of love and friends – I have just wanted to see someone, to go out with someone, to go somewhere with someone. And yet there hasn’t been anyway I can go out with this weekend. Today I have thrown myself into my gym routine, into the garden and then pigged out on ice cream all because I thought it would make me feel better about myself. How I was wrong.

I hate being alone – I always have, and I probably always will. Right now off to finish crying, maybe that might help – nothing else had so far

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Why can I not give him up. He has no faults I can see and so I can’t move on. He’s not interested in me, not because he has said, but because he has not done anything. Even a simple kiss to my cheek. Or a long lasting hug with no words. Anything to let me know even subtly that he has strong feelings for me. Oh I know as friends we’re strong and I’m happy with that, except my heart has a mind of it’s own. Read the rest of this entry »

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No-One Cares

I feel so helpless – Do I make a difference? Do they even think about me? Does what ever I say calm and smooth them? Read the rest of this entry »

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It’s 11:30 and I’m lying on my bed, actually writing this by hand. Annie is playing Here comes the rain again on my stereo in the background. I’ve just made my bed and now just staring out of the window, a couple of things that I’ve read today are going through my head. Read the rest of this entry »

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Always The Fool

Yesterday was Valentines day. A day that I get really low and feeling awful.

I did manage to see Rob again and it was great to see him. We went bowling and I was being very fluky and I won the first game (80 to 60) and drew the next game (91 a piece) it has been many years since I played it. And because I really wanted to make a good impression on Rob I found myself really concentrating on it. Read the rest of this entry »

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I came back from Belfast feeling dazed, something major has happened here. The ‘kids’ have all handed in their notices in regards to the foundation and Becky isn’t telling me why, she’s almost on the brink of tears when she tells me. She tells me that she really wants to let me know what is going on. But she can’t. Read the rest of this entry »

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For this whole week I have been feeling incredible low, finding no will power, not only in getting up for work. But for life in general. What made matters worse is that I was working in Ipswich for two days this week and the whole staying in hotels doesn’t help my mental state as it causes me to think on the current situation and the current one is that I’m painfully low. Read the rest of this entry »

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Fuck You Life!!

Tonight marks a change in my life, I’ve just had a conversation with Rob. I have now resigned myself to the fact that I will never see him. No matter what I say I just can’t seem to break through to him. And he doesn’t seem to want to fight his anxiety – he is happy to let it rule his life. I’ve had enough of banging my head against a brick wall. Rob and I will be online friends – but that is all it will ever be, we will remain close friends. But I have to turn my love interests and all that somewhere else. I can’t let him run away with my heart anymore. Read the rest of this entry »

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